Some times I wonder, when people need me or want me, what or who am I the substitute for, I can guess, I can see when I'm a vehicle and not an end. On a bad day it will bother me. It's a trigger that starts a reaction of questions: Am I as honest as I think? Do I use people too? Can I stand to be used? Am I that cynical? I'm not romantic. I am not frail and I don't need a protector to look for me and defend me. Am I tender or am I needy? Who am I?
It's not like I am a stranger to myself, I know the core. Most of it. What I doubt about is a number of little things that gravitate some of my features, the differences, contrasts and variations are some times obscene. The things I like not always make me happy. The things I do some times have no concrete motivation some times. I let unimportant things bother me. I know I should not and I know I have the strength to cast them away and keep them there, but I let them toy with me as I toy with them, though I gain nothing from this. I wonder what part of my essence to keep and what should be changed, what should I go back to.
What kind of behavior of mine should never change, why am I allowing changes, and should I really let this happen. When should i trust my own feelings and when should I try to be more objective and get assistance from others. Why am I friends with the people I befriend? Should I let them influence me? Am I betraying myself when I do things I have not done before or I am becoming more of myself with it?
It's tricky.
I know pain makes me grow in the right dose. I know I can learn from good and bad. I know I am not useless, I can take risks and face the consequences.
It's more like... intricate.
The question is not "who am I?" really, the question is "how to be me".
I would, if I could, take a vacation from being me to keep my mind off my life for a while and then come back rested and refreshed and see all the things I miss and react in a better way. Alas I can't, but I can try the next best thing. When I figure out what it is. Perhaps I need to sleep. I'll try that first.
