I'm in a weird mood

Some times I wonder, when people need me or want me, what or who am I the substitute for, I can guess, I can see when I'm a vehicle and not an end. On a bad day it will bother me. It's a trigger that starts a reaction of questions: Am I as honest as I think? Do I use people too? Can I stand to be used? Am I that cynical? I'm not romantic. I am not frail and I don't need a protector to look for me and defend me. Am I tender or am I needy? Who am I?

It's not like I am a stranger to myself, I know the core. Most of it. What I doubt about is a number of little things that gravitate some of my features, the differences, contrasts and variations are some times obscene. The things I like not always make me happy. The things I do some times have no concrete motivation some times. I let unimportant things bother me. I know I should not and I know I have the strength to cast them away and keep them there, but I let them toy with me as I toy with them, though I gain nothing from this. I wonder what part of my essence to keep and what should be changed, what should I go back to.

What kind of behavior of mine should never change, why am I allowing changes, and should I really let this happen. When should i trust my own feelings and when should I try to be more objective and get assistance from others. Why am I friends with the people I befriend? Should I let them influence me? Am I betraying myself when I do things I have not done before or I am becoming more of myself with it?

It's tricky.

I know pain makes me grow in the right dose. I know I can learn from good and bad. I know I am not useless, I can take risks and face the consequences.

It's more like... intricate.

The question is not "who am I?" really, the question is "how to be me".

I would, if I could, take a vacation from being me to keep my mind off my life for a while and then come back rested and refreshed and see all the things I miss and react in a better way. Alas I can't, but I can try the next best thing. When I figure out what it is. Perhaps I need to sleep. I'll try that first.

Where have I been

-Monday-

Okay, so I am minding my own business in my computer, about to read Soren Bowie’s column when there is a click sound coming from my hard drive, and the computer just fucking freezes. I wait TEN MINUTES. Still frozen. Yep, time to restart. Well, I’ll be damned, it says “Machine exception” and won’t open windows. Maybe in safe mode. No? Not even safe mode? Okay, let’s go to the repair guy. WHAT DO YOU MEAN ON VACATION? WHO GAVE HIM PERMI- okay, let’s cool down. There is another one closer to my house, actually. So by the afternoon I can have my baby back, it seems it is a virus. Just wipe C: leave D: alone, all my files get saved, we all end up ha- WAIT NO my fonts, and winamp skins and chat logs. Oh you can back them up too. So today, just later than expected. Fine, fine. Okay, tv, it is time for us to spend some time together, show me what you’ve got… WHAT? SAY WHA-? Another channel… OH MY GOD, ARE YOU SERIOUS? Hell, I guess it shall be this other channel no- OH COME ON (one hour later) I can feel my brain slowly drying up. I need some Asimov. Oh that is better. But wait, it is late, my baby is supposed to be ready any second. And there is the phone ringing, it must be it. Yes? Yes, the compu- oh. OH DAYM. Yeah, I can wait another day. Tomorrow afternoon, yes because the hard drive is being a little bitch. Sure, discipline the wench.
-Tuesday-
Not yet. Because it is a physical issue. So a new (and bigger) hard drive is to be installed, and the old one to be a slave. I can’t say I don’t like the arrangement. Yes I am crazy, thank you for asking. So, a couple of hours too? Oh, more like tonight. Sure, sure as long as it is read today. Hey, it’s getting late, I wonder what is going on. Longer than expected? Ah, I see. Tomorrow around noon. Okay.

-Wednesday-
No machine can recognize the old hard drive? Alright, one moment, I will just tear up here over the last year and a half worth of files that are getting lost. Meanwhile I can have my baby back with the new hard drive and HELLO WINDOWS 7 you are not such an asshole after all, it seems. The old drive will stay with repair guy, so he can salvage something. I need to go rant. Oh bless the skies there is internet for tha- WELL, SHIT. NO INTERTUBES. WHAT IS THIS FAGGOTRY!? Now the phone company is going to fix this problem or suffer a surprise massive enema full of pins, needles, razors and Tabasco sauce. Prerecorded tape, the problem is theirs. Fuck. Oh well, at least they are working on it. THEY BETTER BE.

-Thursday-

Still no intertubes? This is getting out of hand. No prerecorded tape today. But six minutes of ads. Whatever, just let me know what- Oh yes, hello. My modem? Yes it has only one light on, in red. DEAD? Oh glee. That’s just fan-fucking-tastic. What now? Replace it. So if you send the report RIGHT NOW I can go to a store and get a replacement for free. NOW WE ARE TALKING. When? TOMORROW. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? TOMORROW? It’s the fucking MORNING, you send it THROUGH THE MAGIC MACHINE. Oh MAYBE today after some hours. Yeah, no I have no idea what is it to wait for a couple of hours and ending up waiting for days, no. Is there anything faster? Oh sending the report to the tech guys. So they get the info right now and? Oh, they come to MY house with a new modem! Good, when do they arrive? AT LEAST AFTER 72 HOURS? THAT IS FASTER? Faster because they get the report faster. Yes, I meant HOW CAN I GET MY INTERBUTTS FASTER? I should go to the store and see if the report arrives in a couple of hours, if not, go tomorrow. Why, if you send the report RIGTH NOW and the stores ALL THE STORES IN THE CITY get it, they have to wait until tomorrow? You don’t know. You don’t make the rules. Of course you don’t, if you did you’d get paid without working. And if I did you would have been fed to the robo-velocirraptor-cops years ago. OF COURSE THE STORE CLOSES STUPIDLY EARLY! IT IS NOT LIKE THEY DO IMPORTANT STUFF, LIKE YOU KNOW, PROVIDE A SERVICE. So I have to come tomorrow EARLY. Hell, I am starting to plan on CAMPING OUT HERE so I can slap every single bitch that works in this place. Anyway, It’s been four days, almost, so I should go let people from the internet know I am fine. In the library. WELL IS THIS NORTH KOREA? So only government sites. Yeah, whatever. I’ll go to the café internet right over the- yeah, I should have seen it coming. It’s now a convenience store. No intertubes for rent, sorry. Well. Well, well, well. Universe, are you having fun fucking with me? I really hope you do while you can. Go on, laugh. One day, mark my words, universe, one day, I will take a microwave oven, stuff it with tin foil, steel cutlery, pencil leads and ninja stars and turn it on while I throw it to the core of the hardon collider. It will destroy you, universe. I know it will destroy me in the process but you know what? I am willing to go that distance to teach you a lesson because you are being a little bitch. You stupid bitch, get a sassy gay friend already and give me back my technology.

-Friday-

SO I EED A FRIGGING ID and I was not told, so I have to go back home, get the fucker and get back to the store. And wait until super fatso and mr mustache are done with their intertubes contract. But HEY Intertubes! This all happened because voltage variations have been “hectic” lately, which means apparently this city became FUCKING CALCUTA when nobody was watching. But I have a regulator now and internet and I can go back to pretend I don’t live in this stinky hellhole. Cheers!

I EFFIN HATE PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION

...and love it at the same time. First off, let's all wait for the can of sardines to be fully packed. All seats occupied PLUS around 10 people standing, holding on from those sweaty, greasy little attempts at anorexic stripper poles. Once full, the bus lazily starts rolling. This is a temporary excruciatingly slow speed, soon it is time for the driver to dare others, preferably cabs, to see who makes it first to the traffic light. Whenever a curve appears, the whole bus tilts to a side, making me feel it will fall on the side, windows crashing and blood spilling, the traffic laws be damned.

The chit chat inside is interesting at times, mostly gossip about people and places that the rest of the users don't know. The criminal pages of the newspaper too "Can you believe this? Where is this going to end?" how that news anchor that today appears to be so elegantly dressed started out speaking terribly, curling her back, seemingly trying to hide inside her jacket from the camera, like an awkward turtle. The same song keeps playing, the five minute long cumbia the driver just adores.

Half of the trip is very nice, a woman in her mid fourties hugs her bag next to me, her thigh just a couple of inches away from mine, both sharing a harmless, cozy warmth. Some people start coming down, the environment improves significantly, some seats are now free, except that huge box the girl reading a book has sitting next to her. A woman asks her to move the box, so she can sit. Book girl refuses, visibly offended. Right across, two people offer to squeeze themselves to the sides, so the woman can sit. Book girl doesn't find out, she is, again, paying close attention to her literature piece.

As the red light stops the traffic of our lane, a man asks permission to the driver to come up without paying. He soon starts reciting what must be an already memorized speech "Good evening, ladies, gentlemen, I am here not to intimidate, not to mug, not to harm, not to steal, I have done so in the past and payed my debt to society with five years and two months of prison, I now find myself unemployed, so I am not intimidating, I am not menacing, I am begging you please gift me a couple of coins so I can buy candy and sell it for a profit. I am clean now and only wish to make an honest living. God bless you, miss. Thank you, sir. If any of you have friends or family members who suffer from alcoholism or drug addiction, please aid them, as they will lead themselves to a dark hole, to crime, to despair, to prison or a dirty rehab house, which is hell on earth. For the love of god, help them. God bless you all" he comes down after collecting the coins right after the next traffic light.

Soon, the woman in her fourties exits the bus, and Fatso McIdon'tknowwhatpersonalspaceis sits next to me, pressing his adipose extremities against mine every time the bus takes a curve or accelerates, which is often. His temperature is getting on my nerves, as the sun decides to aid him, they both soon make me sweat. I press myself against the window to avoid any contact, in exchange finding the glass and metal a lot more hot. And a lot less disgusting to touch. Fortunately, the bus is half empty, and before I ask Fatso to let me stand so I can sit elsewhere, he leaves the bus and my life forever.

Speed bumps make the bosoms of all female passengers jump to the ceiling, or at least to try. Then there is a healthy sideways shake, it is almost a choreography, it is almost as if the bus wanted to make sure those are real flesh and fat lumps, nothing else.

The bus is nearly empty, a man comes in to be transported no more than two streets, must be terribly lazy, or get very tired very fast. Next to come down is a girl with a limp. One of her legs is thinner, shorter and curved in a way that makes most other passengers cringe. She takes a lot more time than others to climb down the steps, making some drivers behind start yelling and honking their horns. The driver, either used to this girl or simply more efficient at empathy than the drivers, soon invites them to stick a phallus up their rectums. I smile, the girl does too, limping away.

Finally I announce I am going to leave the bus to head home, of course, two streets before, of course, the driver stops two streets ahead. Thank god I am not there anymore.

Taking shape

The Egyptian jewelry is the first thing she notices. The crown particularly. As well as a heavy necklace and some bracelets. "Say" says Gabriellina "Those are pretty! And I bet heavy, could I take them off your hands as a favor so you don't have to carry them home?" "Good try, but I prefer money to nothing" replies the girl. Gabriellina decides to start a little chat, it derives to "Gaga" "What?" the saleswoman is perplex and blinks "Gaga is the sound most babies make when they try to talk" "Oh, you have kids?" the woman is interested. "Not right now, but maybe some day! And I would love to have an heirloom, you know? Some inheritance to give them" "Alright, I see. Name your firstborn after me, Imam, and take the crown" "and necklace and bracelets?" "Sure, sure" then she thinks to herself "They were rubbish brought by the waves anyways"

The crown fits perfectly! Now what she needs is a dress, so she goes to the appropriate people.

*What kind of dress to pick?
*To get it, make a friend, see if they'll give it to you?
*Steal?
*Do them a favor?
*Get a job, hippy?

Merchandise

The women curse and growl under their breaths, the homeless demon is just a speck of gray lost in the horizon now. Gabriellina doesn't let the mood sink, smiles and asks what is for sale. One of the women knows the speech and smiling, says: "Necklaces and rings! Finest Silk and Cotton Dresses! Armor to keep you safe and fashionable! Weapons for the lady on the go! Purses and bags and stuff!"

Two women sell jewels: One of the sparkly stone kind, the other pure polished metals, that range from delicate thin accessories to heavy Egyptian royalty like decorations. Three sell clothes: One sells cotton dresses for heavy duty home makers, the other sells swimsuits, long, short and skimpy, the last sells fine silks fit for a duchess. Queens wear way more fabric than that. The girl who sells armor has a nice style: her armor accentuates the curves and has tiny sharp spikes in key places. The tall, muscular smith had the cutest blades, engraved with floral patterns. Finally the girls who sold purses had mostly just... purses, though also big bags "You never know what you might need to conceal or dispose of" she winked.

It is, in deed, a rich collection of all the aforementioned merchandise. Many of them catches our heroine's attention, and she is ready to try them on, until one of the women stops her. "Do you have money?" "Why... no, I do not" All she has is her fish jewelry, but that is not going to go, it is too valuable, sentimentally speaking. And it is also just fish leftovers. She looks at the women and thinks "I need to convince them to give me all this for free"

*What to pick and how to get it?
*Make friends, promises?

Digging

"I'm Gabriellina, but you can call me awesome~" she blinks adorably "Now, who of you has a pair of steel gauntlets"

One of the vendors raises her hand "I can give you them for FREE if you let me slap the guy" The hobo seems offended and says "Oh yes she makes armor, but look at her! So thin! It mustn't be that good. I mean, you would be flattering her saying she has an A cup" The vendor yells "HOW DARE YOU?!" but the hobo continues "That one has a lovely singing voice but her thighs are full of purple veins, and that one over there, she has a cute face, but her voice breaks windows, not in a good way. It's like listening to a drunk donkey whining"


The vendor hands Gabriellina a pair of steel gauntlets "Slap him hard" Gabriellina digs out the devil form the sand, managing to stay clean and pretty. The hobo immediately runs to avoid the angry stares of the women, who chase him to no avail. They tell Gabriellina how offended they are, so after promising she'll bring justice, our heroine dresses up and goes to chase the devil homeless guy.

*Should she follow the devil?
*Or should she stay and befriend the vendors?

Market

There is a group of women surrounding something in the sand. Our heroine gets close enough to see. The women are burying a hobo up to the neck, in the sand.



"HELLO~!" says our girl "I have new jewelry! One of a kind and custom made!" She twirls to show off and strikes a pose. The hobo whistles "Stunning" That makes our heroine giggle and strike another pose, smiling wide. "Could you -ahem- help?" says the man. Our girl clears her throat. "Beautiful jewelry... could you help me?" "What is wrong?"

A woman answers: "This man was peeking under our skirts, pretending his tail had a mind of its own, he also lifted them"

"Help me out of here, I'll getcha the best dresses ever" says the hobo.

Dresses! Our girl looks at the group: they have blankets extended on the sand with different products. "Do you have nice things? Pretty things to make me prettier?"

They all sell different things: accessories, dresses, shoes, pants, skirts and even armor. One of them asks her for her name.

*What vendors to choose and what to ask them for?
*What is her name?
*Will she help the hobo?